4.35 am. I am sleepless. I question myself. Surely, given the fact that willpower alone being a substantial amount of effort to be put into play by will alone, failed to hide the intensity of what I have beget myself...ourselves to put words into play once again.

I cannot fathom the reality of what has transpired.

The surreal imagery of the past few days, those chain of events, almost instantaneous, but had all along threatened to erupt, even before the first day we took that first step towards what I had believed to be our last.

Perhaps, you'd been right, I truly had no solution to what you had hoped we could marginally have become. Perhaps, I possesed no sound mind to even answer my own crediblity. Perhaps, we had been moving along different episodes in our respective lives. But, was it a moment of weakness we felt that instant? Or was it self-denial in the long run? I myself gather no moss, as I try to make sense of the whole debacle.

I miss you already.

It is not enough. How can that possibly suffice? Subconsciously, I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that all along, I had failed to provide you with the essence of which 2 individuals shared. How can I possibly face you?

But again, haven't we all heard that before.

Sometimes, things turned out they way they do for a reason. Its compelling enough to say that we could have been this and that, but maybe we just didn't know how to carry it out. I know you are tired of hearing it again and again, and you imagine yourself, if you are to hear all this for the rest of your life. I am tired of saying it again and again. Because I know, it piles on top of misery.

I tried running away. And at those points, all I knew was to run. But I stopped in my tracks when I know I risked losing you. I suppose I had already gone that distance when I can no longer turn heels and retrace my steps where I had faltered. But as far as we are both concerned, the damage was already done.

I hate myself. I hate myself for not being that one who could cushion your falls, the hand that can pick you up thereafter, and ultimately for not being able to tell you that I am more than who you could have ever begun to percieve me for.

But where's the point in that when all you could see in me is distraught and emptiness? We have both been blinded and plagued by our own demons, our own conceit, and our disappointments. I had believed I had done what I could, and I had believed I did what was deemed the right things to do.

I couldn't enirely agree with what you portrayed me as. It would have seem, as if, I had lived my entire life that way all along. Was that really me? Am I like truly that? Why is it always me? How could I convince you otherwise? I needed to withold my own worth. And eventually, slowly and painfully, I had begun to lose faith as well. How strong could I have been? I am only human.

I ask myself, was it because we are who we are that had lead us to where we are today? I didn't want to lose you, but, I can't afford to lose myself either. I had wanted to hear from you that we had something else to believe in, that you could have believed in me more. I didn't want to sound too abstract, but I suppose I could never have brought my traits across, being the person that I am. I had no sense as to how to bring my answers across to you.

I love you. And still do. You have brought upon me the longest train of emotions I had ever experienced in my life. You changed my life. The very course of it. And for that, in return, I had wanted only the best for you. And still do. You deserved no less. Not all this. And never should have been to begin with. We are no saints. I still firmly believe no 2 persons are never able to come to a compromise other than acceptance and betrayal. I believe in fate. I believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel at the end of the day. I believe although we can't predict the future, one can still shape how he wants his future to be like. I believe in that you can love some one so much as if she was the only reason that keeps you alive.

But one can only believe so much, when he is alone in believing.

You didn't lose me. I just failed to find you.